Tuesday October 26
THE world is going millennium mad. The stores are full of millennium momentos. Even washing up liquid bottles are now bearing special millennial messages. Well, of course. How can any of us, as forward thinking people, contemplate cleaning our crockery without centennial soap? The real question though, is whether, on New Year's Day, 2000, the world will be even the tiniest bit different. The answer is no, not at first. But in the first few years of the next century, it will be far more than the dishes that we all start doing differently.
Wednesday October 27
I'd like to invite you to join me on a hunt. Let us all search the catalogues, trawl through the classifieds and scour the shopping centers till we find the most bizarre, irrelevant item with the word 'millenium' written on it. Yesterday, I drew your attention to the millennial bottle of washing up liquid. Today's suggestion though, makes that look positively sensible. Guess what! You can, if you are lucky enough to know where to look, buy an inflatable radio with 2,000 printed on the dial. What's more, you can have it in pink, green, yellow or orange.
Thursday October 28
In our quest for the true meaning of the year 2,000, we must leave no stone unturned - and, it would seem, no fridge-freezer unexplored. Nestling between the strawberry sponge and the lemon cheesecake in my local supermarket last night, I discovered... a Millennium Gateaux! So now we know. The millennium is a kind of flavour. Unless, of course, there is some much deeper, hidden cosmic message to be read in the very existence of this confectionary. I am fairly sure there must be... but I am ashamed to confess that so far, I have failed to fathom it.
Friday October 29
REPORTS are flooding in, from all over the world, of bizarre 'millennium manifestations.' Several readers in the USA have been telling me about Cheerios. For the benefit of those who prefer toast for breakfast, I should explain that these are little round cereal biscuits with a hole in the middle. The manufacturers are now putting extra cheerios, shaped like a two, in every box. Et voila; "Millennios!" Liza Bach from Tennessee wonders if the packets contain exactly the right ratio of two to zero - but says that she doesn't intend to start counting!
Monday November 1
Harriet Knight, from California, has found a Millennium candle snuffer. Apparently, the wire handle has been carefully bent into the shape of the number 2,000. I am also getting reports of high heeled baseball boots with 20 written across one foot and 00 on the other. Meanwhile, Craig Franzen suggests that we might profitably extend our global search for ridiculous items to include products which have been unnecessarily labelled 'Y2K compliant'. He recently came across a toaster which, the makers proudly announced, was guaranteed free from the millennium bug.
Tuesday November 2
"Dear Jonathan, I came across 'Millennium' brand men's underpants in a Brisbane clothing store. I dread to think what condition they'll be in after another thousand years!" Matt Mawson, in Australia, is one of the many readers who are now helping me scour the globe for ludicrous examples of 'milleni-mania.' Presumably, the reason why we are seeing so many strange items for sale is that the world is preparing to celebrate a festival which has no tradition. None of us know quite what we're supposed to be doing... though clearly, that isn't holding too many people back!
Wednesday November 3
SOME Americans are, apparently, very worried that their pets may miss out on the Millennium celebrations. To assuage this desperate concern, a Michigan company is offering, special edition bottles of "Champ-pagne 2000". This is water for dogs and cats to drink... but it comes specially etched blue bottles to be opened on New Year's Eve. I am also getting reports from the USA of contact lenses which have the figure 2,000 engraved on each eyepiece. Does this mean, I wonder, that if you put them on before the end of the year, you will be seeing the future?
Thursday November 4
CHAMPAGNE glasses, etched or inscribed with the number 2,000 are ten a penny. One enterprising manufacturer though, is offering large cardboard cut-out cups, suitable for placing on your front porch during the Millenium celebration. Now that I know these are available, I am much less worried about how to enjoy the festivities. Meanwhile, more news from Australia about those Millenium underpants I mentioned on Monday. Apparently, you can have your own name etched into the waistband. So now we know what the future holds. One day, all men will have the ability to become Calvin Klein.
Friday November 5
Millennium Bath Salts will, according to the blurb, help you "Recharge and renew for the new millennium". I think the manufacturers may be onto something here. The more I find out about the endless silly ways to usher in the year 2,000, the more inclined I feel to celebrate the occasion with a hot bath and an early night. I still hope though, to find that the most ridiculous gimmick of all contains a glimmer of deep, unintentional symbolism. Please don't feel that it is too late to send me details of anything you see. I intend to keep referring back to this topic until... guess when!!!
Monday November 8
More examples of 'Milleni-mania' include special year 2,000 mattresses, bottles of Balsamic Vinegar bars of chocolate that sparkle when you bite them. In the USA you can get baseball caps and, according to a reader called John, in Sweden you can buy a peculiar piece of conical headgear to wear on New Year's Eve. He is not sure whether it is supposed to be a wizard's hat or a dunce's cap. Meanwhile, in Florida, a pest exterminator is advertising a promise to rid your home of all insects including 'the millennium bug' - and, in Massachusetts it is now allegedly possible to obtain Y2K compliant firewood!
Tuesday November 9
If you have a spare 5,000 pounds or so, you can get yourself a 'limited edition, year 2,000 Snowmobile'. Otherwise, you will have to settle for something more modest like a Millennium bug snowstorm. This is a little desk ornament with a broken computer inside it. When you shake it, hundreds of tiny white numbers fly randomly around. Meanwhile, Sally in New Zealand says the post office there is offering a 'New Dawn Postmarking Service' - so that 'you can send yourself a letter postmarked 1.1.00!' Why on earth you would want to do that she does not know... but if you do, a company in San Francisco will sell you a millennium pencil to write it with.
Wednesday November 10
This little section of my daily column is all but writing itself at the moment. The mailbag is full to overflowing with mad millennial memorabilia. Not only is this providing us all with a great deal of amusement, it is buying me some time - which I sorely need right now. I am hot on the trail of the most amazing, cosmic and, I am almost tempted to say, mind-blowing story that I have ever come across. I will tell you the full tale as soon as I can but first I need to check all the facts and that may take a few weeks. Meanwhile, I wonder if we will manage to find 2,000 ridiculous items for the year 2000?
Thursday November 11
Gigi, from Long Island, New York, informs me that for just five dollars you can now buy a can full of '20th century air'. She finds this highly amusing but I wonder if we really ought to laugh. What if, one day, just as the 21st century is getting into its swing, somebody somewhere opens a tin? What if the contents then swirl out in some invisible, insidious fashion; mixing and mingling with the fresh atmosphere of the new millennium? We may all then, inadvertently, breathe in particles of the past - and thus revert to yesterday's way of being. It's an extremely worrying thought. Someone should alert the authorities to this hidden menace... as soon as possible.
Friday November 12
Several agitated readers have recently asked why I do not point out that, as there never was a year zero, the millennium won't actually begin till 2001. Some are ardently insisting that they will not celebrate for another 12 months. I fully follow this calculation but then, the vast majority of historians agree that Jesus was most probably born in 4BC. If they are correct, then the millennium actually began in 1997. The whole point of the big event is that it has no point. Nobody knows what it is all supposed to mean but, because most people reckon that it surely must mean something, a self perpetuating circus of silliness has come to town.
Tuesday November 16
I have reluctantly decided to 'rest' our series on crazy items with which to celebrate New Year's Eve. There are just too many examples, each more ridiculous than the last. (You can find a complete listing in our Letters & Questions section.) How can any of us take seriously an event which we are being invited to celebrate with 'Millenium Pasta Shapes' - even if they do come in a special tomato sauce?! And what, in heaven's name, is a 'Y2K compliant hearing aid'? Unless of course, it is a device designed to render us deaf to irony? I might just as well be asking readers to cite instances of human intolerance - or to list the reasons why we should all be glad to see the back of the 20th century.
Wednesday November 17
The more I watch TV, read the paper or listen to the radio, the more it becomes clear that this turn of the century palaver is getting out of hand. It is being milked, by the media, for all it is worth - which is odd considering that none of us actually know exactly what it IS worth. So I think, for the time being, I am going to declare this column a millennium free zone. I shall bar, ban and boycott the dreaded 'M' word. Let us see how long I can manage to write daily forecasts and comment on the state of the world... without making any reference whatsoever to the 'you know what'.
Thursday November 18
THE thing is though... and I really don't think I can stress this strongly enough... we human beings are creatures of habit. We love to do what we have done before and we look to tradition whenever we are in doubt. Take Christmas cards for example. They don't go back to time immemorial. They were first thought by the Victorians. Or take the song 'Happy Birthday To You'. Everyone sings it now - yet before the nineteen thirties, it was unheard of. Where though, is our precedent for celebrating the 'you-know-what'? That, I'm sure, is why it is all beginning to get so silly.
Friday November 19
What, if anything, did ordinary people do to celebrate the year 1,000? Almost certainly, the occasion passed unnoticed. This, as far as we know, is the first ever celebration of its kind. That's why, despite all my jokes, I can't stop thinking about the meaning of the M word. What does it say about our collective consciousness? The world is about to proclaim the very definite end of an era. We can't possibly make such a loud statement, in unison, and then just carry on as before. I grow more convinced each day, that dramatic change will ensue more rapidly than any of us expect.
