Jonathan Cainer Zodiac Forecasts

December 24th to December 31st

Spoof predictions

What shall I put in your forecast today? Shall I tell you to "expect a gift"? Shall I speak about how you may soon find yourself "eating and drinking a lot"? Perhaps you would like a prediction about the amount of TV you may soon be watching? On the grounds that Christmas is a law unto itself... and in the hope that much Christmas spirit is now making its way into your life, here today are some SPOOF predictions, scooped from the stargazer's sackful of festive fun. Normal service will be resumed on Wednesday.
PS: If, for any reason, you are expecting a Christmas that's less than joyous, you'll find special words of inspiration on the phone line for your sign.
PPS: Uri and I would like to wish all our fellow vegetarians a very happy nut-roast!

Happy Christmas

Wishing you all a peaceful festive season and magical year ahead - Jonathan's predictions will be back tomorrow.


As today is a slightly different sort of day, I have delved into my treasure trove of apt quotations to produce a slightly different sort of forecast. I trust you are having an enjoyable festive season - and that you are experiencing plenty of joy and magic. If not - or if something seems to be marring your ability to be happy this Christmas, you may find additional words of inspiration by calling the number below your zodiac sign.

Driving in the snow

Just a couple of nights before Christmas, it was snowing in our part of the world. I was driving back from the shops, about 10pm, with three nine year olds - plus one child of eleven. To reach our house you have to follow ribbons of narrow, winding, unlit country roads. Difficult enough on any night but in several inches of snow, a nightmare. We crept along cautiously but finally, one bend beat us and we slid to a halt by the hedge. There was nothing for it but to walk two miles through the cold. The kids took it well. We raided our Christmas shopping and found extra clothes to wear. We even found a tiny toy torch. And eventually, we made it. But this is not quite the end of the tale. On Monday; Part two!

Name that planet - Astronews

We have been bowled over by your response to our appeal to suggest a name for the new planet discovered by Larry Wasserman and his team of astronomers in Arizona. The most popular name, suggested by dozens of readers, is Persephone (wife of Pluto). However, this mythological name has already been allocated to an asteroid. It may be possible to use it for the new planet too, but the asteroid would then have to be renamed! Several readers also knew the name was taken and suggested Persephone's alternate names, Kora or Proserpina. Check out Astro News for the Top 10 most popular names, plus some others which caught our eye.

Star crossed lovers - Hugh Grant & Liz Hurley

Star Crossed Lovers
Hugh Grant (Virgo)
Liz Hurley (Gemini)
Virgo Hugh and Gemini Liz have loads in common. Both their signs are ruled by Mercury; the planet of communication. Hence their natural affinity. They can finish one another's sentences. They make each other laugh. They share a deep mutual understanding. But Mercury, sadly, is not a very passionate planet. It is all thought and talk. Indeed, the ancient Greeks called Mercury "Hermes" - and then coined the word Hermaphrodite to mean a person who is neither one sex nor the other. Often, when you put two Mercurial people together you get... or rather, you don't get... much... um... anyhow, I'm sure they'll find a way round it. And I rather suspect they'll yet become a couple again.

Car stuck in snow

Just before Christmas, when our car got stuck in nine inches of snow, the kids and I had to get out and walk through two miles of dark country road. Home at last, I put them all in the bath, made a pot of hot chocolate... and we all fell asleep. At 3.30am, I was woken by the phone. "This is the police. you need to move your car." "Has the snow plough been out?" I asked. "No," they said "but you must move it anyhow." "How can I?" I said. "That's your problem sir," they said. Then, I had a brainwave. Call the AA! "Sorry," they said, "For us to come out and help, your car has to be broken down, not just stuck in snow." At this point, I confess, I was beginning to get a tiny bit cross. But then... well, I'll tell you what happened next tomorrow.


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