Jonathan Cainer Zodiac Forecasts

March 27th - March 31st

Measuring time
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The earth does not take exactly 365 days to orbit the sun. It takes approximately 365 and a quarter days. Hence our system of 'leap years'. Likewise, our planet does not take exactly 24 hours to turn on its axis. There is, roughly speaking, a four minute gap between real time and clock time. The difference may not seem like very much but after a while, it really begins to mount up. For centuries, people have been striving to find a way to measure time more accurately. We now have that ability. Our digital watches, phones and computers could all easily help us see and work by the true relationship between heaven and earth. But we are not interested. Instead, we cling like limpets to a system designed for grandfather clocks and waistcoat pocket-watches. It may be quaint and familiar but it is rather like listening to 78rpm records when we could be playing CDs.

Preparing for time travel
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Why am I still so cross about the fact that the clock went forward an hour at the weekend? Could it be because I now have to make an extra calculation, every time I consult my guide to planetary positions? Or could it be that I have yet to catch up on a lost hour of sleep? I don't mind getting jet lag when I am actually travelling but this is crazy. And I speak as one of the Northerners who are supposed to get the most benefit from this daft procedure. What on earth is the point unless... hang on a moment, that's it! Of course! How silly of me. The purpose is ESOTERIC. By playing this twice yearly charade, we get a chance to experience the relevance of relativity... as in Einstein's famous theory. Subtly, psychologically, we are all being helped to prepare for the day when scientists master the art of time travel!

Faulty cheese graters... what else do we accept?
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The food processor in my kitchen has a faulty lid. To make it grate the cheese, you have to push down hard on the top. I keep meaning to get a replacement. But I only ever notice the problem at teatime. The manufacturer's office is closed for the day by then. And it is only a minor nuisance, not a major problem. So nothing ever changes. By the same token, as regular readers may just possibly have noticed, I am not impressed with the fact that the clocks went forward last weekend (in the United Kingdom). I half want to stand outside parliament with a placard round my neck. But that's going to be very dull. I'd prefer to take my cat on a tour of famous art galleries. What else in life do we accept, just because it takes too much effort to alter it? Please write in with your examples and observations.

Intuition and psychic moments

Last week, I made a few comments about a possible link between intuition and "insanity". I wondered whether some people with 'mental health problems' are actually just powerful psychics who are being overwhelmed by the visions that they are being granted and the messages they are picking up on. It also occurred to me that many such sensitive people may be in the habit of numbing themselves by drinking or taking drugs. I have had many letters on this topic, extracts from which can now be found in our ever growing 'Letters and Question' section. I recommend a visit if you haven't been there before. You'll find it in that list of options in our left hand scroll bar. Meanwhile, today, I had a little psychic moment of my own. I was writing a forecast for Sagittarius and I suddenly thought about a Sagittarian friend who I needed to speak to. Moments later, the phone rang. And there he was. If we can only develop this technique a little further, think of the phone charges we will save!

Not to be read until... April 1st...

PRESS RELEASE: 23.59 hours on March 31 2000 - DO NOT READ UNTIL THEN. Two planets, each slightly smaller than Saturn, have just been discovered in distant sectors of the sky. The discoveries were made by Vogt, Marcy, and Paul Butler of the Carnegie Institution of Washington. One of the new planets was found orbiting 3.8 million miles from the star HD46375, 109 light-years away in the constellation Monoceros. The second, about 70 percent the mass of Saturn, was found orbiting 32.5 million miles (52 million km) around the star 79 Ceti, 117 light-years away in the constellation Cetus.

Both planets were officially announced via a news bulletin, earlier this week. What the scientists and astronomers have not made public though, is the correlation between these planets and a recent source of radio emissions, detected by the US government listening station in Menwith Hill, Yorkshire, England.

An e.mail from this location was accidentally intercepted, last week, by two reporters for the BBC World Service. This e.mail implies that, when decoded, the radio signals point to plans for a significant fly-past of interplanetary vessels during the early hours of Sunday.

The alien craft should be visible to anyone in a location over 1,000 ft above sea level on the North West horizon. Experts are currently trying to decipher coded signals in an attempt to establish whether the ships intend to land. On the basis of information so far received, it seems likely that the intended locations for arrival would be Boston USA, Calcutta (India) Malin Head (Ireland) and Wellington (New Zealand).

Diplomatic delegations from the United Nations have been despatched to all four places and told to await further instructions. Scientific advisors from NASA, meanwhile, are contemplating an announcement, warning subscribers to the mobile phone network about possible interference to (and from) the spaceships.

It is, apparently, possible to pick up transmissions between the ships on any ordinary mobile phone so long as it has a text messaging facility. The phone must merely be set to 'text' or 'message'. Then, the following digits must be dialled. 2, 7 and then, three times in quick succession; 7,4,5,3,6,6,5.


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